I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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