I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
