I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Randomize
