No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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