I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
