I just threw up on my dentist
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
