My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
