he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
