I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
So apparently I’m into choking now
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
