I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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