I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
