i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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