My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
