I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize