How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize