Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
