Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
