I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
