Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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