the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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