I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
