I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
