Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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