Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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