She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
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