im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
