Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
