I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
