dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
zippers are such a cool invention
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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