Umm I'm too high to move.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
