Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
