Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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