I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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