Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
