I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
