I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
