Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
