Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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