hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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