also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
