My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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