we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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