if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
