i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
