Can i not drive my cunt home
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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