dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
