I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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