my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
