She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
