he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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