No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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