At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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