I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
