We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
