There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
