you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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