She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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