so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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