I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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